NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—As the curtain comes down on the Michael Bloomberg era, the three-term mayor of New York received fulsome praise last night from his most appreciative constituency: the people who can still afford to live there.
Harland Dorrinson, principal owner of the hedge fund Garrote Capital, hosted a black-tie dinner in the vault of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York to pay tribute to a mayor who, in Mr. Dorrinson’s words, “put living in New York out of the reach of everyone except the deserving few.”
“To a lot of people, Mike Bloomberg will be remembered for reducing smoking and improving people’s diets,” said Mr. Dorrinson. “But that shouldn’t overshadow his greatest accomplishment, creating unaffordable housing throughout New York.”
“When Mike took office, this city was teeming with regular working people,” Mr. Dorrinson said, shuddering at the memory. “Today, it’s a magnificent tapestry of investment bankers, real-estate developers, and Russian oligarchs.”
The hedge-fund owner is such a fan of Mr. Bloomberg’s, in fact, that he has only one bone to pick with him: that he left office too soon “to finish the job.”
“There are still a few pockets in the city where, regrettably, the middle class seems to be hanging on,” he said. “The rent is too damn low.”
As for Mr. Bloomberg’s critics, Mr. Dorrinson was philosophical: “I know there are some people who think Mike was terrible for New York, that he took a city rich with diversity and ruined it. But fortunately, they all live somewhere else now.”
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