Why Mitt Romney is No Longer the Worst Person in America to Run for President
An Endorsement from Rick Santorum
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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - The following open letter to America was published today by former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum:
My Fellow Americans:
I am writing to you today to endorse Mitt Romney for President of the United States.
Now, some of you may recall that during the campaign, I took a slightly different position on Mitt Romney. In fact, I said that Mitt Romney was the worst person in America to run against Barack Obama for President. Well, there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind. In fact, as Mitt Romney himself has proved, changing your mind is the surest path to the Republican nomination. LOL.
Why do I no longer think Mitt Romney is the worst person to run for President? Well, I started thinking about that Jet Blue pilot who went off his nut a few weeks ago and had to be tackled by passengers. That dude would definitely be a worse person to run for President than Mitt Romney. Say what you will about Mitt Romney and how he made his fortune by putting thousands of people out of work and how he invented Obamacare before Obama did and all, he has never jeopardized the lives of people on an airplane (that I know of). That is probably because he flies everywhere on a private jet, staffed entirely by undocumented workers.
I also started thinking about Michael Vick. He was involved in some of the most despicable acts in recent memory, involving the deaths of multiple dogs. Mitt Romney, on the other hand, has only endangered the life of one dog, his own, and he didn’t actually kill the dog, he just literally scared the shit out of it. So if you compare Mitt Romney to someone who has actually been responsible for the killing of dogs and not just scaring them to death, I would have to say Michael Vick would be slightly worse than him (although in some ways slightly better, since Michael Vick did not create Obamacare or have gays on his staff).
In conclusion, my fellow Americans, Mitt Romney is a total douche. No one’s arguing that he isn’t. But if you compare him to either the insane Jet Blue guy or a heartless dog-killer like Michael Vick, Mitt Romney is no longer the worst person in America to run for President. I should add, however, that if anything should happen to Mitt Romney between now and November, such as him getting trapped in his Swiss bank vault with all his ill-gotten money and tragically suffocating to death, I stand ready and willing to be your nominee. Plus I am an actual Christian who does not believe in magic underpants.
Vote for Romney,
Rick Santorum
My Fellow Americans:
I am writing to you today to endorse Mitt Romney for President of the United States.
Now, some of you may recall that during the campaign, I took a slightly different position on Mitt Romney. In fact, I said that Mitt Romney was the worst person in America to run against Barack Obama for President. Well, there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind. In fact, as Mitt Romney himself has proved, changing your mind is the surest path to the Republican nomination. LOL.
Why do I no longer think Mitt Romney is the worst person to run for President? Well, I started thinking about that Jet Blue pilot who went off his nut a few weeks ago and had to be tackled by passengers. That dude would definitely be a worse person to run for President than Mitt Romney. Say what you will about Mitt Romney and how he made his fortune by putting thousands of people out of work and how he invented Obamacare before Obama did and all, he has never jeopardized the lives of people on an airplane (that I know of). That is probably because he flies everywhere on a private jet, staffed entirely by undocumented workers.
I also started thinking about Michael Vick. He was involved in some of the most despicable acts in recent memory, involving the deaths of multiple dogs. Mitt Romney, on the other hand, has only endangered the life of one dog, his own, and he didn’t actually kill the dog, he just literally scared the shit out of it. So if you compare Mitt Romney to someone who has actually been responsible for the killing of dogs and not just scaring them to death, I would have to say Michael Vick would be slightly worse than him (although in some ways slightly better, since Michael Vick did not create Obamacare or have gays on his staff).
In conclusion, my fellow Americans, Mitt Romney is a total douche. No one’s arguing that he isn’t. But if you compare him to either the insane Jet Blue guy or a heartless dog-killer like Michael Vick, Mitt Romney is no longer the worst person in America to run for President. I should add, however, that if anything should happen to Mitt Romney between now and November, such as him getting trapped in his Swiss bank vault with all his ill-gotten money and tragically suffocating to death, I stand ready and willing to be your nominee. Plus I am an actual Christian who does not believe in magic underpants.
Vote for Romney,
Rick Santorum
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