APRIL 3, 2012
In Controversial Decision, Supreme Court Replaces Annual Physicals with Strip Searches
Major Expansion of Police Officers’ Role
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a stunning decision on the future of healthcare in America, the Supreme Court decided today that annual physicals were unconstitutional and should be replaced by random strip searches conducted by the nation’s police.
The decision, which appeared to expand the role of the police to include such duties as performing breast and prostate exams, took many in both the healthcare and law enforcement communities by surprise.
Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, “While the Constitution makes no provisions for healthcare, it explicitly defends the people’s right to form militias; clearly, the Founders believed that if anyone should be looking up our asses it shouldn’t be a doctor, but someone with a gun.”
By replacing annual checkups with random strip searches, the Court raised worries in the healthcare community that patients would not get the care they need, but those concerns were brushed aside by Justice Samuel Alito.
“Ultimately, the responsibility to secure adequate medical attention falls to the citizen,” he said. “When a policeman is searching his body cavities, for example, it’s up to the citizen to say, ‘There’s a mole I’d like you to look at.’”
Justice Clarence Thomas wrote that he was personally ready for a random strip search/exam at any moment, adding, “I’ve got nothing on under this robe.”
The decision, which appeared to expand the role of the police to include such duties as performing breast and prostate exams, took many in both the healthcare and law enforcement communities by surprise.
Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, “While the Constitution makes no provisions for healthcare, it explicitly defends the people’s right to form militias; clearly, the Founders believed that if anyone should be looking up our asses it shouldn’t be a doctor, but someone with a gun.”
By replacing annual checkups with random strip searches, the Court raised worries in the healthcare community that patients would not get the care they need, but those concerns were brushed aside by Justice Samuel Alito.
“Ultimately, the responsibility to secure adequate medical attention falls to the citizen,” he said. “When a policeman is searching his body cavities, for example, it’s up to the citizen to say, ‘There’s a mole I’d like you to look at.’”
Justice Clarence Thomas wrote that he was personally ready for a random strip search/exam at any moment, adding, “I’ve got nothing on under this robe.”
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