January 4, 2012 Romney Jubilant After Finishing in Dead Heat with Walking Joke in Sweater Vest Mitt: ‘The Eight People Have Spoken’ DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report) – Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney was overjoyed today after finishing the Iowa caucuses in a virtual tie with a walking joke who wears sweater vests. “The eight people have spoken!” exclaimed Mr. Romney, who was joined by supporters celebrating his .0006% margin of victory. The former Massachusetts governor put the best face on his razor-thin lead, telling supporters, “Say what you will, but eight votes is still six more than Rick Perry can count.” Historians noted that the last time so few people decided a Presidential race they were all on the Supreme Court. As for the other candidates, runner-up Rick Santorum said that he had received a phone call from President Obama: “He stopped laughing just long enough to say congratulations.” And former House Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed speculation about whether he would leave the race: “Not unless it gets cancer.”