September 5, 2011 Labor Day Ruined as America Fails to Find Working Man to Honor Nationwide Manhunt Called Off WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A dark pall was cast over Labor Day 2011 as efforts to find a working man to honor came up empty. A nationwide manhunt that began weeks ago in the hopes of locating a working man in time for Labor Day was called off early this morning, as frustrated officials acknowledged that their efforts to find such an employed person were fruitless. Hopes were raised late yesterday afternoon when Tracy Klugian, 27, of Evanston, Illinois came forward and said that he was gainfully employed at a frozen yogurt establishment and was thus deserving of Labor Day recognition. But after several hours of grilling from local law enforcement, “his story just didn’t check out,” said one official familiar with the case. “For one thing, he said he got his job in August, and as the recent job report shows, the number of people who did that was zero,” the official said. “Sadly, this is just a sick individual who wanted attention.” With all hopes of locating a working man dashed, officials said it might be time to change the official meaning of Labor Day to make it more in sync with the realities of contemporary American life. “Maybe instead of honoring the working man we could honor people who spend all day on Facebook,” one official said.